In the years BC (Before Children), my husband and I never really appreciated how much time we were able to spend together. We’d take walks, go on hikes, and have conversations (without interruptions—gasp!). And then came a time when that all of that halted. I can’t entirely blame it all on having children, either, because our personal lives became more cluttered, too.

Several years ago I think I saw my husband on average (if you don’t count the time when we were asleep) about 10 hours a week. That means we spent less than 20 percent of our week (168 hours possible) together in the same room and awake. My husband was working full time, was pursuing his MBA (which I jokingly say that MBA stands for Mom’s Bad Attitude), and had numerous other volunteer responsibilities. I was pregnant with our third child (and off and on bed rest for months), was busy building our business, and I took care of our then two preschool-aged children.

Needless to say, those 10 hours a week weren’t exactly the most romantic. Instead they were filled with lots of “to-do’s,” and we tried to squeeze in some time for Dad to kick up his heels and relax, too. Granted, most couples aren’t this busy, but many families have split schedules, or in some cases a spouse is deployed or works out of the area during the week. Regardless of the lifestyle, it’s important to connect with your spouse on a weekly basis.

We love our weekly date nights (see last Monday’s post about this topic), but we also implemented a weekly “romantic” thing for one another. Now, when I say it’s romantic, it’s usually more thoughtful or charitable than it is romantic, but the purpose is the same: to bring a connection. Here’s how it works:

1. Together you select a day of the week by when the romantic thing must be completed. We like to pick Fridays as our deadline day because it’s also our weekly date night.
2. Each person selects one romantic thing to do for the other person throughout the week.
3. Then you each express gratitude for the romantic thing that has been done and begin plotting next week’s surprise.

It really doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s just the idea that you’ve gone out of your way to show appreciation to your spouse. Some of the things we’ve done over the years include:

· Purchasing flowers

· Planning surprise weekend getaways

· Writing notes

· Leaving sticky notes in the dashboard of the car or on the mirror

· Emptying the dishwasher before breakfast and leaving a note

· Having the kids write notes of appreciation

· Stocking the fridge with ice cream

· Buying a new CD or downloading new songs on the iPod

· Taking a long walk

· Having a long talk

· Ordering take-out after the kids go to bed

If this is something you’d like to do with your spouse, discuss it with him or her first. Then make a list together of some of the ways that you’d like to show support to your spouse and ways that you’d like to receive support. Sometimes my husband gets stuck for ideas on what to do and I’ll give him a list of ideas for him to use. He’s happy to have suggestions to work from. (Men hate trying to read the minds of women.) Over the years that we’ve taken this approach it seems to make the sailing a little smoother for two ships who are just passing in the night.