In my Monday post, I shared my feelings and frustrations about how I struggle to say “no” to the things in my life. It’s easy to say no to things I don’t really want to do (like organizing Aunt Mildred’s pill bottles) but it’s much harder to put the kibosh on things that I enjoy, such as my friends, traveling, and reading a book on the couch while snuggling up with my pug, Aggie.

However, saying those two powerful letters and giving up on great things is much easier said than done. In fact, I call myself a reformed people pleaser, so I know how hard it can be to overcome the addiction to making others happy. So, how did I overcome this fear of saying no? And how can you do it without feeling overwhelmed by guilt?

First, look at your top three priorities in your life at this time. These are the things you’ve deemed to be more important. It’s easier to say no to something when you can see how it’s holding you back from where you really want to focus.

Ask yourself these questions to figure out what you need to eliminate in order to work on your top three objectives.

• How much of your day do you put forth to get to these goals?

• What are you spending your time doing instead?

• What can you cut out to carve more time into your day to focus on your most urgent tasks that will get you to your goals?

Next, look at where you can cut out a few things here and there, or double-duty some tasks, to make your life work better for you. For example, instead of making lunch plans with a girlfriend I have made plans to take a walk with her instead, so I can get in my exercise without losing touch with my besties.

Finally, ask for help. Your true friends will help you stick to your goals and will pitch in to help you succeed. Lean on them to pick your kids up from soccer if you need to squeeze in a workout before dinner to achieve your objective of exercising daily. Or ask your spouse to pitch in with the laundry or to do the dishes after dinner so you can read for 30 or 45 minutes so you can participate in your book club.

Here are a few more tips for saying “no” without saying “no!”

1. Don’t commit right away. Instead of agreeing to a task on the spot, tell that person you have to check your schedule and that you’ll get back to him or her. This method gives you time to really think about and decide if helping your friend organize the next PTA carnival is really helping you reach your goal of spending more time with your family.

2. Choose your words carefully. For example, your mother says, “I’d really love it if you’d help me clean out my garage this weekend. Will you come over?” You’re not going to say, “No, mom. That’s not on my list of top priorities and you’ll have to find someone else to help you.” Instead, you can say, “I’d really like to help, but I’m very busy right now. I can help you next time you work on it, or I can give you one hour if you really need my help this weekend.”

3. Stay firm. Some people drive a hard bargain (i.e. guilt-trippers) and they will try to solve your busyness in order to get you to do what they want. In these cases I’ve found it’s best to hold your ground and be a broken record. “I’d really love to do that but I’m just not available.” When they press for details, be prepared to repeat your previous answer. Even the most persistent folks will give up after three or four attempts.

4. Let go of the guilt. No matter how many times you practice saying that magic word of “no” you will find yourself staring face-to-face with guilt. It’s a reality that comes when you decide to set boundaries. It does get easier, but the guilt never goes away. The best way to overcome the guilt is to look at your top three priorities and remind yourself that those are more important to you than whatever it is your saying, no to. Unfortunately, there’s no guilt-removal pill you can take. Instead remember the old saying, “You can please all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time.”

Question: How do you say, “No,” without putting strain on a relationship?