My youngest is really into giving kisses. Unfortunately, she’s discovered “romantic” kissing – thank you endless Disney flicks – and tries to share her love with a little more generosity than what is typically appreciated.

Like any normal, neurotic, parent I fret about her teenage years. How will we ever keep the boys away? My husband will have to dress like a redneck and carry a gun. Or maybe he’ll issue lie detector tests like the father in “Meet the Parents.” Either way, I’m sure he’ll be plenty scary, but what would be my role in scaring off all future suitors?

A flood of memories suddenly came to mind as I watched the little kisser shriek as she chased her terrified older sisters with threats of “juicy kisses.” Those lips have already had quite a ride in just four short years. I began concocting my plan that I decided could include my older girls as well. I would share gross-out moments in a special scrapbook entitled, “Do you know where those lips have been?” that only comes out right before one of them leaves on a date. 

The possibilities are endless but I share here a few lovely moments I could include that would scare off any prom date.

1.       My husband and I were in the kitchen making dinner and catching up on our day, when all of a sudden my mommy-radar heard an odd noise coming from the bathroom. I heard the sound of thirsty guzzling. That’s odd, I thought, as I gazed across the hallway from the kitchen to the powder room. My two-year-old (at the time) was in plain view with a cup in her hand. I asked her what she was doing and she frankly replied. “I was thirsty so I got dink (drink).” I knew she wasn’t tall enough to turn the faucet on, so I asked in horror because I was pretty sure I knew the answer, “Where did you get a drink from?” Her answer, “The toilet.” Needless to say, my appetite was ruined.

2.       When we moved into our newly constructed home, our daughter was only in the crawling stage. As a result, everything she saw went directly into her mouth. And she was fast. I was constantly pulling things out of her grasp in exchange for acceptable chew toys. We had what my husband called “a minor mouse problem” when we moved into our home. (Later he confessed that is was more like a major problem. This is why I can no longer view movies like “Ratatouille” or “Stuart Little.” I have a serious rodent issue.) As I was unpacking the kitchen my daughter grabbed a sticky, glue mouse trap and put it to her face. The 3 x 5 glue trap was stuck to her face and both of hands. An hour later and after numerous calls to poison control, pest control, the doctor’s office, and my husband, the glue trap was removed, the mice were all gone, and luckily no damage was done. (Glue traps are non-toxic. Phew!)

3.       On a trip to Sea World, one of my daughters became obsessed with the starfish in the tidepool area. One of the attendants said she could pick it up and look at it. Like any good mother, I took a few steps back from toddler, so I could snap a shot of this precious moment. My daughter was carefully looking over the red crustacean when suddenly her mouth opened wide and she proceeded to insert the starfish into her mouth. I hopped up out of my squatted photographer position just in time to swoop in to save that poor starfish’s life. It’s proof you never know quite what your child is thinking. While I thought my sweet daughter was considering her life as a future oceanographer apparently, she was actually thinking about lunch.